separation anxiety

So. Back from Milwaukee. It was a good week, a long week, but a nice change of pace.

Staying at the Hilton downtown is really nice, and it was especially awesome and supernice that Jed was able and willing to drive me up and stay with me the first night, and then come back up on Thursday night to eat/hang out and take me back on Friday at noon. Milwaukee's not far, but that drive ALL THE WAY UP THERE alone is just...lonely... sometimes.

I'm both not so good AND way too good at the whole 'being alone' thing, I think. It was a good thing that I was busy with class/training, because without someone there in the evenings... I finished the day with a big fat 'now what?' feeling. To preface that thought, I guess my situation was kind of awkward because there WERE people there that I could (did) hang out with after training, but they all worked with each other in various ways before, and I was a complete outsider. So it was kind of hard to just jump into those conversations or have much to contribute on the work front. Or the kid/family front. Or... yeah...

So the 'too good' part comes in here-- it's almost easier for me to just bow out of that stuff and order up dinner on my own or sit by myself at breakfast with my paper and just not care to have to sit next to the others who are sharing last night's recap of the trip to the casino (that I didn't go to because I needed a full night's sleep if i wasn't going to fall asleep in the snooze-worthy training.)

I had to PUSH myself out the door one night to go down and see if I could find a group to join for dinner. I'll have you know that I did put this off by working out in the hotel gym and watching Jeopardy and taking a shower and checking facebook and OK... OK... Ok... fine, I'll go-- but I'm going to be on my cellphone while I poke around, so I don't look like a complete moron. And it was fine. I found a group, and we had a reasonably good time. But the whole thing just makes me think that I'm FINE but not GREAT and comfy around people that I really don't know. I don't BOND. MESH. Hmmm. And these people are all recruiters-- "people people." Should I rethink this here...? Topic for another post....

And then there's the not so good about being alone part. Good thing training kicked off pretty much immediately after Jed left because it wouldn't have been good. Sometimes I don't know what to do or where to go. There doesn't really seem to be a plan. I worry when he doesn't pick up the phone after I call a few times with no pickup...my mind starts spiraling... what if he's on the side of the road on the way up to get me? What if I don't know where he is and he can't call? I don't have a car and no one lives near? How will I get there? What if... what if....? I think I trick myself into these stupid games so I'm relieved when nothing happens, but when I look back, it's kind of silly.

And the dogs. I miss them, alot actually. It's just SO creepily quiet without them around. I can leave things out, a piece of food on the coffeetable-- and nothing will come snatch it. It's weird. There is no sheer elation.... barking, squirming, licking... when you open the door after a long day. Just a quiet hotel room with all the junk laying in the same place you left it.

I did bring Domo as a (barely passable) subsitute, and I carefully hid him in my bags during the day so Sheila, my room cleaner, wouldn't think I was a total immature dorkazoid. Yep. Everymorning I unwedged him from between/underneath pillows and tucked him under layers of pants in my suitcase. Except for Wednesday. The very day I decided I'd be brave, jump out of my little shell and go down to see if I could join a group for dinner. I perched him behind the long roll pillow-- he looked so cute stuffed down there, I knew when I came back alone, I'd smile. And I'm sure Sheila did too, when she decided to give me the 'turndown' service. I found water, ice, my covers folded, and Domo tucked in with his little head on a pillow when I got back....